I'm ride or die but ... why?

This might be my rawest post ever… 

The story behind the writer of “Someone You Loved” hit me hard and it made me realize just how little we know about each other, our struggles and the secrets we battle with daily.

Over the last year, I’ve focused on studying impulse control and issues that have arisen from having TICC Syndrome, which I was diagnosed with at a very early age.

TICC Syndrome is basically a mixture of Tourette’s and a form of Autism. It’s a special kind of torture that attacks you mentally and physically. Although most doctors just said I was ADHD with a high IQ so I never learned how to work on myself.

How to describe it…

Basically, I will jump out of the plane with you if you ask, but I’m going to ask you 500 questions on the way down until I completely understand the point and purpose of said jumping! 

Like I’m ride or die but … why? 

I never understood how this controlled my life, how I acted and my decision making. Plus, I don’t look Autistic or scream obscenities as with Tourette’s, so it was nothing I ever took serious and it was never a thing we discussed growing up.

My dad often said I had a wire loose in my head or there was something just not right in me. I was well aware of TICC Syndrome, but it didn’t seem to effect me because I don’t have loud outbursts of swearing and I’ve been able to control the muscle spasms and even reroute the facial tic I had as a child.

If you look close enough, you will see I count on my fingers over and over again or that I move them constantly. I tap somewhere or I use my hands to speak. That literally took me years to focus on.

When I’m stressed, my muscles will spasm, but it’s nothing really seen by most people. I would have to have my arms around you for you to feel it.

Through it all, I’ve discovered the ability to focus my energies and control the overwhelming desires to be heard. 

To react. 

To respond.

To make you understand.

My form of Tourette’s manifests more through mental impulse control which often results in quick and decisive decision-making.

To me, I understand the situation perfectly and I’ve made a quick decision. 

To you, I look impulsive and angry or I’m pressuring you.

Through my journeys, I’ve discovered many amazing people that have the same issues I do.

Some are captains of industries

Some are artists

Some live amazing, but regular live

All are fighting a mental and physical battle that is a hell on earth.

For me personally, I am told I am too much. 

I'm told our conversations are too deep or I am not their savior, even when they are accepting every bit of help I offer and coming back for more.

I’m told my constant need to understand frustrates people and drives them away.

I’m told my reactions to situations are over the top. 

I’ve lost many relationships I held dear because of this mental and physical affliction and maybe this will let people understand that I’m not a bad guy.

Or maybe it will help you understand that people are often misunderstood because they just might be different than you.

Maybe you'll roll your eyes and move on with your day, but somewhere someone is saying, "I am not alone"!

Through this trek, I’ve met some amazing people.

I was given a great perspective by someone with the same mental health issue. "We take on a lot for other people because we’re stronger than most. We deal with our pain by solving other people’s pain" and that actually made me smile.

Maybe it will make you giggle. No clue. 

Hopefully someone battling with this same issue recognizes the pain I feel when people don’t see me as a deeply loving and kind man, that desperately wants to help others feel better than I do daily.

When I heard of this singer/songwriter with Tourette’s and I went to research him, I immediately knew the song and realized when I first heard it a while ago, I felt connected.

The writer and singer of this song stopped touring because of his Tourette’s and when I listened to it again with that knowledge, I hit the ground and started crying. 

Big tears. 

Big, pain filled, tears.

This song was put on repeat and listened to with the ears of a person who has always been somebody someone used to love because of something they couldn’t control.

My advice is to be kind to everyone, because you don’t know the battles they are fighting. 

The ones that fight the most have the biggest hearts and want to give pieces of themselves in the hopes that you won’t see how damaged they are.

Enjoy this song through that lens.